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I saw Clerks 2 last night. It was predictable low-brow fare; full of smutty humour and squarely aimed at fans of the previous movie. In other words…an enjoyable night out.

In the first Clerks movie, there was a dialog sequence about snowballing. The equivalent in this movie was a sequence about “ass to mouth”, where Randall is talking about young girls and how they are more sexually adventurous these days, so adventurous that often they suggest that he goes ass to mouth.

Ass to mouth is something that could have only been thought of by porn directors who have been working in the industry a little too long. To get all Wikipedia on you, it means “the removal of the penis or another object from the passive partner’s anus followed by the immediate insertion of the penis or object into the passive partner’s or another partner’s mouth.”

Needless to say; it is not something that anyone ever suggests if they are going to be the person on the receiving end.

Watching this scene, the words of Inigo Montoya sprang to mind: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

What Kevin Smith must have really meant was rimming, which is still a kind of fringe sexual activity, but is a much better fit than the traditionally accepted definition of the term. Becky certainly wouldn’t have confided the following to Dante with the original meaning “I’m telling you this only because I am your friend. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it’s acceptable to go ass to mouth.”

I enjoyed the movie, but this scene left a bad aftertaste. ;-)

I saw Clerks 2 last night. It was predictable low-brow fare; full of smutty humour and squarely aimed at fans of the previous movie. In other words…an enjoyable night out.

In the first Clerks movie, there was a dialog sequence about snowballing. The equivalent in this movie was a sequence about “ass to mouth”, where Randall is talking about young girls and how they are more sexually adventurous these days, so adventurous that often they suggest that he goes ass to mouth.

Ass to mouth is something that could have only been thought of by porn directors who have been working in the industry a little too long. To get all Wikipedia on you, it means “the removal of the penis or another object from the passive partner’s anus followed by the immediate insertion of the penis or object into the passive partner’s or another partner’s mouth.”

Needless to say; it is not something that anyone ever suggests if they are going to be the person on the receiving end.

Watching this scene, the words of Inigo Montoya sprang to mind: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”

What Kevin Smith must have really meant was rimming, which is still a kind of fringe sexual activity, but is a much better fit than the traditionally accepted definition of the term. Becky certainly wouldn’t have confided the following to Dante with the original meaning “I’m telling you this only because I am your friend. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, it’s acceptable to go ass to mouth.”

I enjoyed the movie, but this scene left a bad aftertaste. ;-)

Former Australian Idol winner Guy Sebastian is looks worryingly similar to Booger from Revenge of the Nerds.

When I see him with a microphone, I’m always slightly disappointed when he doesn’t take a shot at Booger’s prize winning belch.

I can’t wait for Guy to wear this t-shirt to his next performance…

Former Australian Idol winner Guy Sebastian is looks worryingly similar to Booger from Revenge of the Nerds.

When I see him with a microphone, I’m always slightly disappointed when he doesn’t take a shot at Booger’s prize winning belch.

I can’t wait for Guy to wear this t-shirt to his next performance…

When I was about 6, I realised that I had a special power that no-one else had.

I could tell when a TV was on in another room …even if the sound was off.

I’ll give you a moment to pick your jaw up off the floor.

…

The adults in my life were just as amazed as you were; but for some reason they weren’t interested in playing the “guess if the TV is on or not” game, and they certainly didn’t want to wager any money on the outcome (I was a mercenary little tyke).

As super powers go, I thought I got a bit ripped off. I would have prefered to be able to turn invisible or see through people’s clothes or something, but I was ready to do my part fighting crime just as soon as a grew a bit bigger.

Recently I found out that the cause of my special power was most likely the flyback transformer in the TV set which is pulsed at around 15kHz to control the horizontal scan rate. 15kHz is near the high end of frequencies the human ear can detect (typically given as 20Hz to 20KHz), but this varies with the amount of damage the ear has experienced. An adult with more hearing damage will lose their upper and lower frequency ranges.

I still occasionally hear this high-pitched whine, but now that I know it’s not really a super power, I am putting all my efforts into trying to figure out how I am going to fight crime with my two remaining super powers - the ability to lick my elbow, and the power to make farting noises with my armpits.

I had to go in to work on the weekend. Public transport is practically non-existant on weekends, and it was a nasty Melbourne winter’s day, so I decided to take my car. I was waiting for the lights to change when, through the pattern of rain on my windscreen, I noticed a large black bus with a girl in a bikini pained on the side.

It was parked next to a bikini car wash.

The first thing that went through my mind was…hmmm. That’s not very “Melbourne”. You might expect to see that sort of thing in the tackier parts of Queensland but shouldn’t Melbourne have a car wash combined with an art gallery or a wine bar or something, rather than a strip club?

As the lights changed, the icy rain poured down harder, and I spared a thought for the car wash girls. I thought that I had a raw deal having to work on the weekend, but they were going to have to endure eight hours of teeth grittingly icy, hypothermia inducing, “I am just going outside and may be some time”, Melbourne weather.

I turned my car heater up higher and wondered what colour bikini would best match blue skin.

Two recent stories in the media got me a-thinkin’.

The first was about the origin of the virus that causes AIDS; the authors of a recent study think that it originated in wild apes in Cameroon before spreading in humans across Africa, and then worldwide. The common explanation of how the virus made the jump from apes to humans is bushmeat. Hunters caught a variant of simian immunodeficiency virus (SIV) from the infected blood of chimpanzees they were planning on eating.

This sounded reasonable enough, and I gave it no further thought, until I read another article about a new report suggests that interbreeding between humans and chimpanzees happened a lot more recently than was previously thought.

…uh like about 30 years ago. It must get pretty lonely out there in the jungle.

I wonder if the hunters’ wives ever solved the mystery of why their husbands were always so excited about going hunting, but would hardly ever return with food.

The best part about these stories is that it gives me a chance to re-use this picture:

Here are my photos from the Melbourne Zombie Shuffle. Click on the image to display a larger version of the same picture. If you want a copy of any images that are big enough to print, drop me an email.

I got to the Zombie Shuffle meeting point in the Carlton Gardens a few minutes late. I crossed the road with a group of pensioners on their way to the museum and eavesdropped on their conversation…

“Oh look, they must be having some sort of protest.”
“They should all just shut up and get a job.”
“Yeah, probably a bunch of bloody lesbians.”

Hmmm quite.

There were a couple of hundred zombies and assorted hangers-on assembled in the park. The organiser separted the two groups, and the non-zombies obediently shuffled away a few metres. Big mistake - as this man discovered when he was immediately set upon and devoured.

The Carlton Gardens is the sort of park where people take wedding photos. You could say that this one is at the non-traditional end of the spectrum.

The zombies started their shuffle towards Lonsdale street.

Pedestrians who stopped to take pictures became food for the zombie horde.

The zombies knew exactly what to do when there was a fence separating them from some fresh meat. Crush! Kill! Destroy!…uh, hang on …I mean… BRAAAAINS!

The parade walked right through the middle of the Greek Antipodes Festival on Lonsdale street (Greek families looked confused), past a Falun Gong protest on Swanston street (the protesters didn’t look happy, but they were pretending to be tortured so that might have been intentional), and outside a bridal expo at the Town Hall (ooh, that’s a lovely dress, shame about the bloodstains).

Photographers swarmed around looking for the perfect shot. Seeing a busker (giving a great contrast shot between the parade and every-day Melbourne colour), they descended like a zombie on a neurosurgeon’s offcuts bucket.

I’m the sort of socially oblivious guy who generally has a hard time figuring out if someone is wearing makeup or not, but even I noticed that this zombie had amazingly well done makeup.

Brain patties anyone? Anyone?

Onlookers weren’t quite sure what to make of it all.

First rule of photographing zombies. Forget about cheese; all you have to remember is “say brains!”

The zombie shuffle lurched down Flinders Street…

An almost-perfect wedding photo on Queens Bridge over the Yarra river.

Easily one of the best costumes of the day - a zombie Commonwealth Games volunteer.

A local theatre-restaurant added some not-so-sneaky advertising.

Putting a warning on a cigarette pack that says “THIS PRODUCT MAY KILL YOU”, has very little deterrent value if you are a zombie. The Cancer Council marketing team should get back to the drawing board.

If you run out of fresh blood, a zombie may be revived using beer.

And finally…if you haven’t had enough of zombies yet, check out the video clip for Fashion Freak by Swedish electro-pop group Naked Ape which features a zombie girl car wash.

“Fashion Freak” by Naked Ape

This is only really amusing for people who spend too much time on Slashdot – is it still an “in joke” when it’s shared with more than half a million people?

Click on the image for a picture with text big enough to read.

Why do they call the joke prize for last place the “booby prize” anyway? It shoulds like a pretty good prize to me…