Dealing with bullies
Saturday, February 6th, 2010From Slashdot Science Story | Studies Reveal Why Kids Get Bullied and Rejected
The bully and the outcast – a true story (Score:5, Interesting)
by germansausage (682057) on Tuesday February 02, @11:23PM (#31005654)
Once upon a time there was a bully. He bullied a lot of kids. One day he bullied the outcast. He shoved the outcast from behind as he was walking by. The outcast was slammed into the lockers and split his lip. The bully walked away laughing. That evening the outcast and his one lone friend came back to the school with a hacksaw, a school issue combination lock and two large garbage bags. While the friend stood watch at the end of the hall the outcast sawed the lock off the bully’s locker. It took no more than a minute to empty the bullies locker into the garbage bags. The outcast locked the locker back up with the lock he brought. The garbage bags were tossed into a dumpster behind the gas station.
The next morning the outcast watched from a distance while the bully tried to open his locker. The school locks all looked the same but his wouldn’t open. Eventually the principal and the custodian came with some bolt cutters and the lock was cut. The locker was opened and inside was….nothing. No gym clothes, no textbooks, no almost complete woodwork project, no homework, no notes, no tennis racket, no leather jacket, no anything. The bully may have eventually realized that one of his victims had gotten even, but who it was, he never knew. He bullied a lot of kids.
Re:I could have told you that. (Score:5, Insightful)
by j_w_d (114171) on Tuesday February 02, @09:39PM (#31004622)
Bullies are scum. No ‘if onlies,’ no ‘buts.’ There’s no reason why a kid with difficulty understanding social cues should spend grade school making sure an upper grade bully got fat off his lunch money. No one ‘makes’ a bully steal your stuff, throw tarred rocks at you or generally lurk around for a chance to otherwise make your life miserable. All understanding the social cues offers is the knowledge of whom to avoid. There’s a reason so many bullies go by handles like “Chopper,” “Dumbo” and “Buddy” (all ones that I knew personally) and it isn’t because they’re brightest bulbs in the lamp. However, my dad always said ‘don’t get mad, get even.’ I expect that Buddy never did understand why when he stole my home work he still got D’s, and I still got A’s.
Re:I could have told you that. (Score:4, Insightful)
by Anonymous Coward on Tuesday February 02, @09:50PM (#31004712)
Some bullies are sociopaths [wikipedia.org]. Sociopaths are scum. Other bullies simply need a better social environment (including home environment).
And yes, all blame should fall squarely on the aggressor. It’s a teaching mechanism. It should be nothing more, nor less.
Amusing story, though.
Which TFA did you read? (Score:5, Insightful)
by n dot l (1099033) on Wednesday February 03, @03:52AM (#31007378)
The TFA I read discussed social rejection, and noted that bullies often focus on the socially rejected. This isn’t about using your social skills to charm the bully (lol), it’s about using them to get friends and hoist yourself out of the immediate target population, or at least get yourself on a better footing to fight back (most bullies have their own social issues – if you can sort yours out that’s an automatic advantage).
I’ve been bullied. I watched other kids get bullied too. I got rid of my bullies by not behaving like the other victims, not by beating anybody up (as if I could). I realized that the only targets were people who were isolated from the main social group and unwilling to fight back (in most cases by their own low self-esteem) and made an effort to not be one of them. I learned to control my emotions so I could think clearly in social situations that weren’t going how I wanted. I learned to actually pay attention and read other people’s body language properly. I learned the social rules. I made friends outside my usual circle.
The guys that spent 5 minutes between classes laughing at me in the halls every day (not hardcore bullying but hardly pleasant, I assure you)? Most of them weren’t being sarcastic or mean like I thought. They were confused by how incongruously I acted. I was the one that was too stupid to read their expressions correctly. Once I clued in, I stopped escalating simple misunderstandings (I actually thought I was sticking up for myself) and quickly made friends with many of them. I had no trouble ignoring the few asshole opportunists (most of who were doing it due to their own self esteem issues) in the lot who were jumping in with a nasty quip just because they saw they had a chance to get a laugh at my expense. Over the next few weeks I got rid of a good two thirds of the grief I’d get at school (the low grade harassment) in this way. I’d say fixing this one mistake of mine is probably where I started to really build my self-confidence.
The scary looking thug (huge muscles, tattoos, scars, rumors that he’s done nasty things – seriously scary fucker) that went around threatening people into giving him free shit? The confidence I’d gained making some friends was enough to keep me calm around him. Calm enough to see his insecurity screaming through every little gesture (fucked up home life, he had a lot to be insecure about). Flat-out told him “no” when he punched me and told me to give him my CD collection. He was stunned, I don’t think he’d ever seen someone calmly stand up to him before (I admit, it freaked me out afterwards – he had opened up with a punch). He wandered off as though nothing had happened and didn’t bother me again.
The asshole who’d steal my shit, trip me, shove my head into my locker, heckle me in class (WTF teachers, how did that shit ever fly?), throw things at me, etc every single chance he got? I was his favorite victim until a few months after I started turning myself around. He turned out to be desperately afraid he’d lose his friends’ respect if he didn’t act all tough. Getting the courage to go and talk to them (his friends) and find out that they didn’t really like him was the key to getting rid of him. Desperate fuckers turn out to be easy to bait, and I only had to get myself seen with his buddies regularly for a few weeks before he freaked out about them ditching him and did something stupid enough to get them to actually ditch him. He never bothered me again. I’d actually been hoping to get something out of them that I could blackmail him with, but I’m not one to complain if a problem takes care of itself.
So I disagree that TFA’s conclusion is some bullshit way to avoid having to actually punish bullies. We’re social creatures, and learning how to navigate the social web (rather than hovering helplessly around the edges) is definitely empowering. I certainly wouldn’t argue with anyone that would just beat the shit out of a bully, but it’s hardly the only way to deal with things (and I’ve seen a couple of guys that did that get shunned even more for being “dangerous” hotheads).