two-pot screamer dot com

From Slashdot | DARPA Sponsors a Hunt For Malware In Microchips

logically impossible (Score:3, Funny)

by Ralph Spoilsport (673134) *
on Thursday May 01, @10:16AM (#23262852)
Journal

USgov: OK Mister smarty pants commie chip maker! PROVE TO ME that YOU”RE NOT putting malware into your chips!

ChipMaker: Sorry, I can’t do that.

USgov: And WHY NOT???

ChipMaker: Because it’s logically impossible you retarded oaf. You can’t prove a negative.

USGov: But if you DON’T then we will have to TAKE ACTION!

ChipMaker: Oh, jeez… like what? You bumbling fuckhead!

USGov: we will STOP BUYING CHIPS from you! We will build them ourselves!

ChipMaker: Sorry, Wally, but you’re not going to get that past your neoliberal internal trade agreements. I can see it now: “USGov goes into Chip Making”… Intel, AMD, and IBM would crack a loaf in their pants and sue. No, you’ll have to subcontract to them, and they will have to set up a multijillion dollar fab plant in the USA that is populated by expensive american workers, and suddenly every laptop made for the USGov will be slower and more expensive than any other laptop on the market. Good move, Ace. Lemme know how that works out for ya.

USGov: buh buh buh WE NEED SECURITY!!!!

ChipMaker: look, dumbass, we make chips. We don’t care what they go in, we don’t care what they do, we just make chips. Test them all you want, you’re not going to find anything, because we really don’t give a shit. Now, if the ultraparanoid wing of your wingnut contingent can’t swing with that, tought shit.

USGov: it would be SO much better if you simply PROVE THAT YOU’RE NOT putting bad things in our chips.

chipMaker: (sigh). How’s this, USGov, just shut the fuck up, and get with the program.

USGov: But WE HAVE TO PROTECT OUR FREEDOMS!!!!

ChipMaker: WHEN were your FREEDOMS ever attacked? Some crazy fucking nutjobs from a loosely organised international political crime syndicate flew some planes into your buildings. They didn’t attack your freedom, they just wanted you to get your jarheads out of Saudi Arabia. And then you invaded Iraq. “I’d like to know when Iraq attacked your freedoms - I’d like to know what day it was when the Iraqi Invasion Force stormed your beaches and dumped hot lead into your freedoms, because I must been on vacation that day in someplace called REALITY.” Your paranoid abuse of logic is THE SAME. And we, the Rest Of The World, are getting sick and fucking tired of your penny ante tirades that end up getting thousands of people killed. So, for the jillionth time: NO, We Can’t PROVE that our chips are not full of malware, because you CAN’T PROVE A NEGATIVE. You can test all you want, but you will never be 100% sure, and thusly, you’re an idiot for demanding it. Heck - even if you build them yourself, you have no proof, as some employee might etch a wee corner of the chip to cause a computer to make fart noises and blit every other frame to the screen with an image of Jesus butt raping Mohammed, but only on even numbered Tuesdays.

USGov: BUT WE WANT SECURITY!!! We want to PROTECT OUR FREEDOMS!!!

ChipMaker: OK, OK, you fucking moron: “I solemnly swear, cross my heart and hope to die, that there is no bad stuff on any of the chips we make. Promise. Now, is that better?”

USGov: YOU ARE A GREAT ALLY!!! I feel so much more secure now.

RS

We have always been at war with Oceania.

This entry was posted on Saturday, May 3rd, 2008 at 8:03 pm and is filed under Scrapbook. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.